REALationships: 25 REAL Reasons Black Women Are Not Getting Married

Ladies, are you at war with yourself? Yes, as a black woman I am sick of all the "Why Black Women Aren't..." But let me offer some opinions from a female perspective in combination with the male perspectives of men I know. Since I am not one to be in denial, I can accept constructive criticism. However because I am newly engaged, I can offer some insight of some of the things that are huge issues for Black men. They are all not into white women, gay, commitment phobes, broke, or crazy. There are some good men out there but because many women are too self-absorbed and shallow, they don't see the diamonds in the rough. I'm introducing this column, REALationships to address issues that seem to be the focus of relationship talk. Feel free to post comments. I would love to hear them.

1. You claim you want a real man but everything about you is fake. Your hair, nails, butt, eyes...you get the picture. So again, look in the mirror before you say you want a "real" man. Stop hiding behind yakky yak, colored contacts, and Kim Kardashian butt implants. Everything ain't for everybody.

2. You have a grocery list of must-haves in a man. If a man took your list and reversed on you, would you match up to all you are asking for? Probably not.

3. You have too much excess baggage. Emotionally and physically. You hold your past hurts against every man you meet. And physically you can't seem to decipher the difference between thick and fat. Ordering two super burritos and a diet Coke is just plain f%$#$@*% stupid!

4. You had 3 kids by three different men and wanna run around Bible thumping. In other words, don't go around the block a few times then try to act like you just took a walk. We all make mistakes but being a hypocrite is not going to make a man listen to your crap when you shouldn't be pointing fingers.

5. You've attained the perfect career, the Benz and the house and now you think because the brother who hasn't made all the moves you have is less than worthy of your attention. Nobody told you to do all that. Most men look forward to providing for their wife and family so if you've done it all and are throwing it in his face, you aren't making it easier for him to approach you. Stop looking for a mil ticket and look at the man's heart. Golddigging won't get you anywhere. If it does you won't be there long.

6. You think that every man who talks to you wants you. So instead of being cordial you go into Super Bitch mode. Can't a brutha just say "Hi?"

7. You let your lonely, bitter ass girlfriends who are in the same boat as you give you bad advice.

8. You're a hater. You hate on your friends, rivals, men, and just about everyone else who comes across your path. If you're so filled with hate, maybe you need to put a few more mirrors up in your house and take a long, hard look in them.

9. You date men you know are no good but because you think you can change him you stick around hoping that somehow he'll change. If he ain't shit to begin with, you hanging on is not going to make him change. Stop wasting your time.

10. You would rather be some rich man's whore than a poor man's wife. A cheating man is going to drain you emotionally whether you're in Payless pumps or Christian Louboutin's. Look at Shaunie O'Neal and Tawanna Iverson. Millions in the bank, but where was the peace of mind? Leave married men alone, stop thinking the "kept woman" status is a badge of honor. It's not, and you'll be left with nothing when it comes down to it. Ask Lil Kim about that.

11. You think just because you're attractive you have all the time in the world to find a husband. Well honey if you're over 30, you better think again. Men don't marry for looks (well some might but those relationships don't really last now do they?). Most men marry because they feel the woman would be a good wife and mother. Period. It's not about your face or sex, although those factors are an added bonus if you're a good combination of all the aforementioned. Bottom line, a lot of ugly women are married. Go figure.

12. You never cook and are constantly nagging him to go out to eat. The comforts of home are far more inviting than a noisy restaurant. After a hard day, some men just want to come home, have a nice meal and chill. Now not knowing how to cook is not a deal breaker, some husbands are better cook than their wives and do most of the cooking but an E for effort goes a long way.

13. You talk too much. you tell your friends and family every detail of your life and wonder why you can't keep them out of your business. Real men loathe people in their business. Keep your relationship matters private, especially if you want it to last.

14. Your mother is a man-hater. Maybe your mother was the chick on the side, your dad left her for someone else, or she has no life. But stop listening to the "You don't need no man" logic. a generation of women has lived by this and look where it has left them, bitter, alone and cold.

15. You refuse to give oral sex...or you stopped doing it. Don't shoot the messenger, but this is huge issue with some black men. A woman who absolutely refuses to do it, is a turn-off. Now honestly if there is some emotional reason you don't do it (i.e. rape, incest etc.), I truly understand. But just flat out refusing is not going to win most men over or keep them faithful.

16. You don't listen. For once just sit and listen to him. You can talk about work, your girlfriends and anything else later. Sometimes women we talk too much and never let him get a word in.

17. You watch too much reality television. The Real-Housewives are entertaining, and yes it may be exciting to be a ballers wife but honey real issues affect them just as much as they affect you. Don't let the big houses, shiny jewels and leased cars fool you.

18. You want what society says you should have. Even if you could have Idris Elba or Laz Alonso, they wake up in the morning with stank breath too. In other words, they're men. They are not perfect, they just play characters who are. Stop assessing your needs in a man by what you see on the big screen.

19. You want it all, but none of us can have it all. Life doesn't work that way. if he's not perfect but you find him attractive, personable, and he's good to you, you better make it work and stop trippin'.

20. You think you can have sex like a man and not get hurt. Yeah you may be able to for a while but at some point you're going to get tired of going home to an empty bed or watching him rush to shower after you're done and make the mad dash for the door all before you can even throw the covers back.

21. You disregard what a man says and think, "He didn't mean it." Yes, he did. If he says he's not ready for a relationship, doesn't want kids, has trust issues, or all of the above, listen. He's not just blowing hot air, there's some mega-truth in what he's saying. You can't change anyone. They have to want to change and if they don't, you need to move on.

22. For the mothers, you ignore the signs your kids give you. If you have kids and your kids are not comfortable around your man, pay close attention. Some kids are just brats and want to run away every man that is not their father, however, most children are intuitive. They know when someone isn't right.

23. You're boring as hell. You never want to travel, go out, try anything new or just do something he wants. Don't be a bore. This is the easiest way to make a run for the hills--unless he is a bore too, but what fun would that relationship be?

24. You refuse to love who loves you. If a man's been trying to get you for some time, eventually he's going to move on. As we grow older, the games have to stop. If you're waiting on perfection, you'll be waiting a long time. So when you see that nice guy you passed up in the mall with his cute and very pregnant wife, don't get on the phone and call your girlfriends talking about, "Remember Carl? The one used to be jocking me back in the day? Girl he's married and his wife is pregnant. She ain't even that cute." Well apparently she was "cute" enough for him to marry a bear his children. So while you're toting your shopping bags back to the car, remember you'll be going home ALONE while Carl and his wife will be sitting on their couch laughing at chicks like you on reality television.

25. You just don't get it. For those of you who want to continue to deny, blame society, or think that you have time, good luck. You don't have to settle but you need to be realistic. The average black man is not a baller. Most are just bruthas trying to make it. Learn to work with what God gives you and stop trying to control everything.


Love can be a source of joy or pain. But you decide it's fate.  -- O